time repeats
I've been doing something I've been putting off (and kind of failing at it) this morning. I've been sitting in my pain and feelings to better understand the mess of what's going on. There's some things I want to share with you because I feel like it's going to go a long way in us both getting some closure.
The right decision was made, it's for the best of both of us that we're not together. I say this with the heaviest heart, because I miss your romantic love so so much and I'm going to continue missing it. I'm truly going to miss that warmth from you, having you look up at me with such complete trust and love was.. so fucking moving. I've been so lucky. But the truth is, I fucked this up for us. It's not a dramaticism. I'm not claiming the blame of the failure for your pity or for my self-pity. It's the truth. I've been a coward. Please let me explain.
I've been running from the reality of my situation more as time in our relationship has passed. I hate living here in this country with this.. everything. I hate what's happened to me. I hate what I've had to give up. I hate that I've lost contact with people I love because of the distance I've been forced to travel. It doesn't matter how much Luke assured me this country isn't so bad. It doesn't matter that my family are here. I don't like this place, the fact I left somewhere I loved and I'm so tired. This seems unrelated to us, but because I've been pushing away those feelings, running from them, escaping more into videogames and anime and pushing all the feelings away, I've also kept you at arms length.
When we were together, that all melted away. I realized I didn't need to do it. You were right there. You're completely separate from all of that shit and you are so.. you. You're extremely cute, you're funny as fuck (I can't tell you how insanely rare it is for me to actually laugh and really feel it. I haven't had a laughing fit in SO LONG), and I grew to love you.
But then every time I left and came back "home" to England, I was right back in that pit I didn't want to be, and talking to you on the computer after genuinely feeling joy from our time together was just.. I don't know. I couldn't separate it from all of the other shit going on around me. It depressed me that I couldn't be with you all the time. Our relationship somehow got roped into all the other stuff to push away. Maybe it was because the computer is what I used to escape all the other stuff? I honestly don't know.
Which, obviously, meant that I withdrew from you. I didn't let you really get to know me, which made me feel not seen or heard, which compounded the bad feelings which I then withdrew from more.
This is why it's difficult for me to accept you saying it's not either of our faults, because it was. It was my fault, and I'm truly, truly sorry for it. I'm so sorry I've hurt you for so long. You rightly said you didn't deserve it, and I'm proud of you for seeing that and saying it to me.
It's so bitterly sweet that I'm seeing now how much you've done for me and how much your love has helped me over this past year. I wish so badly that things were different, but the damage is done and it's time for us to repair the damage I've caused.
Thank you for reconsidering wanting to remain friends. I promise to be a better friend than I was a partner. I hope you still trust me enough to help with your mental and emotional health, to be a confidant, to share some laughs.
Thank you for reading. I hope you slept well and feel rested. It's a new day. <3